Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

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Her: I can’t believe how good of a listener you are! What’s your secret?
Me: Percocets.


Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.


*teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.


*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?


Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.


When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.