@sheisalioness

Next time I open up to someone is my autopsy.

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@EJGomez

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

@lisaxy424

my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*

when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions

@KateWhineHall

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

@GroovyTasia

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

@omgthatspunny

Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.

@Kim_pulsive

I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice

@girl_a_whirl

[invasion]

*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?

@TheAlexP

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

@samhithere

“Body of Christ.”

“Why thank you, I HAVE been working out.”