me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Next time I open up to someone is my autopsy.
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my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
“Body of Christ.”
“Why thank you, I HAVE been working out.”