@lisaxy424

Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.

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@eff_yeah_steph

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

@JohnLyonTweets

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

@TheAlexNevil

Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.

@panmidwest

ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

ME: you haven’t even hired me yet

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

@liv_thatsme

Me: WHO PUT THE EMPTY MILK BACK IN THE FRIDGE?

Me: YOU LIVE ALONE

Me: SHIT

@NickSchug

If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”

@david8hughes

[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost

@iwearaonesie

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

@AudreyPorne

I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money

@Home_Halfway

ME: Hey congrats, I hear you’re pregnant
CLIENT: Yes, thank you!
ME: *trying to think of a good power move* Many species eat their young