“What do you do for a living?”
“Louder for the tape?”
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
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My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
People always say “Wow, your baby looks so much like you,” as though it’s supposed to defy genetics & look exactly like a coffee mug.
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation