next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy

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“What do you do for a living?”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”


My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.


Boss: “you’re fired”

Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”


Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle


It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.

It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.


Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free


People always say “Wow, your baby looks so much like you,” as though it’s supposed to defy genetics & look exactly like a coffee mug.


Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation