next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
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My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.