@Doughbvy

next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy

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@david8hughes

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

@Lisabug74

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

@SteveSuckington

Boss: “you’re fired”

Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”

@DaddyJew

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle

@sarcasticmommy4

It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.

It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.

@ninatreemonkey

Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free

@adamrensch

People always say “Wow, your baby looks so much like you,” as though it’s supposed to defy genetics & look exactly like a coffee mug.

@LeslieDonnelly2

Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation