Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
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[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.