Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
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A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie