presenting your incognito window wrapped
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You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Cat is stressing him out.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Become a minion. Get that bread.