Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
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Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Kids: Stay in school.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.