Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
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it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Me too 😆
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
it be like that
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan