Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

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I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.



The reason my daughter wasn’t nominated for an Oscar is because the Academy hasn’t seen my 7yo trying to get out of going to school.


Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.


All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname


Eat anything u want.

If people make fun of ur size… Eat them too


“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”


“Doctor, Doctor, You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!”

“Do you drink a lot?”

“Not really – I spill most of it!”


I just spent 38 minutes on the phone w my mother. And she couldn’t tell I was drinking. I’m worried about her, now.