ME: Did you hear Jack & Cindy got divorced and he’s dating someone half his age?
HUB: Yep. He’s livin the dream
HUB: His dream not mine
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
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My therapist told me to take more risks so I parted my hair on the other side this morning.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
If a restaurant can afford to advertise on national television, you should never eat there
My twins hate to brush their teeth. So I just convinced them that it’s fun to brush someone else’s teeth. Problem solved.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Tried to spoon my wife & she throat punched me
She said “Sorry I was dreaming of my judo class”
But she doesn’t take judo
Plus she was awake