I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
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The reason my daughter wasn’t nominated for an Oscar is because the Academy hasn’t seen my 7yo trying to get out of going to school.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
i fixed ur flag pin for u sean
Eat anything u want.
If people make fun of ur size… Eat them too
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
“Doctor, Doctor, You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!”
“Do you drink a lot?”
“Not really – I spill most of it!”
I just spent 38 minutes on the phone w my mother. And she couldn’t tell I was drinking. I’m worried about her, now.