Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
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I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.