@Beatonm5

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

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@LuckoftheDraw86

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

@The_JRM

The reason my daughter wasn’t nominated for an Oscar is because the Academy hasn’t seen my 7yo trying to get out of going to school.

@notalogin

Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.

@RodLacroix

All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname

@MickyMax6

Eat anything u want.

If people make fun of ur size… Eat them too

@Timmsmiff

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”

@iGreenMonk

“Doctor, Doctor, You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!”

“Do you drink a lot?”

“Not really – I spill most of it!”

@Girliegurll

I just spent 38 minutes on the phone w my mother. And she couldn’t tell I was drinking. I’m worried about her, now.