@Beatonm5

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

You Might Also Like

@Book_Krazy

ME: Did you hear Jack & Cindy got divorced and he’s dating someone half his age?
HUB: Yep. He’s livin the dream
ME:
HUB: His dream not mine

@junejuly12

My therapist told me to take more risks so I parted my hair on the other side this morning.

@MelvinofYork

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

@MissHavisham

5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.

@bornmiserable

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

@briangaar

If a restaurant can afford to advertise on national television, you should never eat there

@hunz74

My twins hate to brush their teeth. So I just convinced them that it’s fun to brush someone else’s teeth. Problem solved.

@nbadag

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

@MelvinofYork

She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well

@AndyAsAdjective

Tried to spoon my wife & she throat punched me
She said “Sorry I was dreaming of my judo class”
But she doesn’t take judo
Plus she was awake