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A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.


Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.


This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.


a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:11:”OutrageousM”;s:5:”image”;s:62:””;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”218726600659845120″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”131″;s:5:”tweet”;s:87:”Somewhere in a parallel universe a small toe is beating the shit out of a coffee table.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:2;}


Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*


In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.


[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

her: omg!!

me: *clutching ramen noodles* do you have any boiling water


H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.


School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph