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@AdamBujairami

A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.

@WilliamAder

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

@rpbateman

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:11:”OutrageousM”;s:5:”image”;s:62:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/1646997728/image_bigger.jpg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”218726600659845120″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”131″;s:5:”tweet”;s:87:”Somewhere in a parallel universe a small toe is beating the shit out of a coffee table.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:2;}

@Average_Dad1

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

@HRTSMRT

In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.

@coryrichardson_

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

her: omg!!

me: *clutching ramen noodles* do you have any boiling water

@PinkCamoTO

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.

@ClichedOut

School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph