I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
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me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.