You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
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I bet birds love this building.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you