Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
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You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
That time Alicia messaged me
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood