Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
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Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.