Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

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Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.


I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.


2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: things couldn’t get worse



[ice fishing]

*pulling on rod* whoa nelly that’s a big ice


1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume

2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit


Wife. I’m going to bed.

Me. Nooo! Don’t leave me alone with the fridge.


Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E


MOM: Story time

ME: Yay!

MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”

ME: mom?