Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
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Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
*pulling on rod* whoa nelly that’s a big ice
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Wife. I’m going to bed.
Me. Nooo! Don’t leave me alone with the fridge.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
MOM: Story time
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”