Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
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Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit