Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
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*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Anime is real
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.