*Deletes account because a stranger on the internet told them to
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
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“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
this toddler on the bus said “the wheels on the bus go round & round” & this guy yelled back “no shit Sherlock” & I can’t stop clapping?
Not a lot of people know this, but if you dress up like a pirate and go into Red Lobster, you eat for free.
The reason football players wear helmets is to stop them from kissing
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.