next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

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“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”


[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle


My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”


[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up


this toddler on the bus said “the wheels on the bus go round & round” & this guy yelled back “no shit Sherlock” & I can’t stop clapping?


Not a lot of people know this, but if you dress up like a pirate and go into Red Lobster, you eat for free.


The reason football players wear helmets is to stop them from kissing


My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.


I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.