Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
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lmaaaaaooooooooo
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.