I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
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Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?