@silent_musings

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

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@treywafer

Black magic is kinda racist, but it’s better than nigga wizardry

@dafloydsta

[knocks on your door 10 years later]
Were you flirting with me?

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

MISSING CAT??
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.

@thenatewolf

Me: I think the coolest sport is horse golf

Guy: do you mean polo?

Me: [realizing he isn’t classy enough to know about horse golf] yes

@dumbbeezie

Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch

@SondraDeeMe

My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.

@Sarcasmo718

I’d love to see Jason Statham’s face when he finds out you can turn down movie roles.

@ericsshadow

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

@UncleDuke1969

*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*