Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
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Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.