Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

You Might Also Like


Black magic is kinda racist, but it’s better than nigga wizardry


[knocks on your door 10 years later]
Were you flirting with me?


-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.


Me: I think the coolest sport is horse golf

Guy: do you mean polo?

Me: [realizing he isn’t classy enough to know about horse golf] yes


Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch


My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.


I’d love to see Jason Statham’s face when he finds out you can turn down movie roles.


If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.


*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*