Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.

I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen

James Blunt: you’re beautiful

James Blunter: I’ve seen better

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.

Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping

I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.

Dear waiter,

You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.

Love,
David

Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*

Me, studied abroad:

Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona

Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-

A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.

Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!

So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”

We all winked at each other and got in our cars.

Teamwork.

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?

therapist: so, what do you say when she says that

me: you sound like your mom

therapist: 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them

Lmbo

Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.

[First day as a hacker]

Boss: what’s taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating

I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.

One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T

I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.

90’s style insults need to come back.

Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.

[first date]

Date: how much do you drink a week?

Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.

Date: right.. Let’s do shots.

Me: i love shots.

Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha