@Thynebear

Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.

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@jctwritesstuff

*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*
*dies*

@Spaziotwat

[1873]

Scientist: [*exits time machine*] “I did it! I visited the future”

Assistant: “What was it like?”

Scientist: “Do you like staring at rectangles?”

@AmericanGent69

Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess

@Carmensadie

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

@Cpin42

When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

@mooodles

People who comment with ‘goose bums’ on YouTube videos, more power to you!

@Vodkantots

As a Jew, I refuse to enter any steam room or sauna until I’ve seen other people come out.

@iQuoteComedy

Research shows that in 100% of cases, when someone says “Oh no she didn’t!”, she in fact, did.

@Cheese_Pile

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*