Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
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It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Perfect.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.