*hears Siren’s song*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*
I’m here, Mistress.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
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Scientist: [*exits time machine*] “I did it! I visited the future”
Assistant: “What was it like?”
Scientist: “Do you like staring at rectangles?”
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
People who comment with ‘goose bums’ on YouTube videos, more power to you!
As a Jew, I refuse to enter any steam room or sauna until I’ve seen other people come out.
Research shows that in 100% of cases, when someone says “Oh no she didn’t!”, she in fact, did.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*