Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
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saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
yes… yes…
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread