Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.

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I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.


Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated


My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.


If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.

– the lady in front of me


People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?


Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.


A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.


Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.


I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.