I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
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Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Me: it’s complicated
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.