Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.

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Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.


The crocodile is the most relatable character in Peter Pan because he really just wants to devour that one specific guy but will also happily eat whatever garbage that guy throws at him.


[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.


Rejected names for lumberjacks:


“Happy birthday! ”

– Oh wow! A necklace! I love- wait… Did you get me a fake diamond?

“Well, it’s not really your 29th birthday either”


garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please


The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?


yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna


Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.