Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
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Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.