He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
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I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
New tinder profile pic
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that