Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Next time you’re in the changing room and sales person asks if you need anything, just say “Yes, can I get some toilet paper?”
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Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
I see your point. You’re right. My timing could have been much better. I’m sorry I proposed to you at your father’s funeral.
I’m not sure why banks tie down pens that don’t work.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
If you’re ever lost in the woods, try to find a bear to kill.
Their claws will provide four sweet breakfast pastries.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Me: Cowabunga, douche!