@eyepluckeramit

Next time you’re in the changing room and sales person asks if you need anything, just say “Yes, can I get some toilet paper?”

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@MorticiaKate

Therapist: What brings you here today?

Me: I’m a middle child.

Therapist: I see, classi..

Me: In between two sets of twins.

Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.

@Brentweets

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.

@HousewifeOfHell

I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.

@BillMc7

I see your point. You’re right. My timing could have been much better. I’m sorry I proposed to you at your father’s funeral.

@mrjohntofu

I’m not sure why banks tie down pens that don’t work.

@FredTaming

dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you

astronaut: space is a vacuum

dog: i’ll see you when you get back

@Mr_Kapowski

If you’re ever lost in the woods, try to find a bear to kill.

Their claws will provide four sweet breakfast pastries.

@LaceyNycole

Guy: Are you pregnant?

Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.

Guy: …..

Me: Cowabunga, douche!