Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
You Might Also Like
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely