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@charliedelta7

I don’t have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow

@SeanINCypress

Bad news is I’m not fluent in Starbucks. Good news is I ordered a skinny Latin, and Marc Anthony is a real sweetheart.

@InternetHippo

EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]

@sucittaM

My wife thinks I’m stupid for using Twitter so much. But I think she’s stupid for marrying me, so I think we all know who won this argument.

@squirrel74wkgn

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

@Brianhopecomedy

My buddy has a telescope but I don’t think he uses it for astronomy. I asked what his favourite constellation was and he said, “Samantha”.

@SoulYodeler

It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5

@_little_old_me

The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.

I will hear no other opinions on this matter.

@ProfaneDane

How to find out if someone uses two computer monitors: they tell you.

@skittle624

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window