Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
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Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth