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I don’t have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow


Bad news is I’m not fluent in Starbucks. Good news is I ordered a skinny Latin, and Marc Anthony is a real sweetheart.


EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]


My wife thinks I’m stupid for using Twitter so much. But I think she’s stupid for marrying me, so I think we all know who won this argument.


[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.


My buddy has a telescope but I don’t think he uses it for astronomy. I asked what his favourite constellation was and he said, “Samantha”.


It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5


The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.

I will hear no other opinions on this matter.


How to find out if someone uses two computer monitors: they tell you.


You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window