Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.
Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
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Me: I feel skinnier today!
J.R.R. Tolkien invented an entire language for the elves but where the hobbits live is called Hobbiton.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Kim Jong Un is 30, runs a dictatorship, executes ex-girlfriends, and openly threatens to annihilate the US. What am I doing with MY life?
Joe: I’m going to ask Donald if he wants something to eat
Barack: That’s nice, Joe
Joe: And then I’m going to offer him knuckle sandwiches
Waitress at Olive Garden tells me to say “when” and starts grating cheese on my salad
I say nothing
Room fills with Parmesan
No one survives