I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
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I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Thrilling chase underway
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin