Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
You Might Also Like
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week