SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
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me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house