Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
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i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Meow?
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”