Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
You Might Also Like
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!