@BMcCarthy32

NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”

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@envydatropic

My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company

@AndLookPretty

My husband emptied the dishwasher this morning. What does he want from me?

@MarfSalvador

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

@roggyie

If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

@gabemakesmusic

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”

@1followernodad

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

@StyloDad

The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

@patnspankme

When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I love sports!

ME: Uh…me too

HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass

ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth