My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
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*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
My husband emptied the dishwasher this morning. What does he want from me?
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth