During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Nice cargo shorts. You may want to dial back that awesome a little. Not really sure how much I can take.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
8 *walks into the house with covered in mud*
Me: MY LORD
8: well that’s a nice way to greet me but no, just your son.
Christmas is becoming like that creepy friend that shows up to the party too early. The party starts at 7:00, why are you here at 4:30!?!!
I hope I never go to jail because I haven’t memorized a phone number since 2006.
james bond: shaken not stirred
home depot employee: thats how we always mix the paint
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it’s in.
If a dog has puppies in a public place, can they be arrested for littering?