Nice cargo shorts. You may want to dial back that awesome a little. Not really sure how much I can take.

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During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.


WIFE: Will he ever wake up?

DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it

W: i sold his pet hamster



I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.


8 *walks into the house with covered in mud*


8: well that’s a nice way to greet me but no, just your son.


Christmas is becoming like that creepy friend that shows up to the party too early. The party starts at 7:00, why are you here at 4:30!?!!


I hope I never go to jail because I haven’t memorized a phone number since 2006.


james bond: shaken not stirred

home depot employee: thats how we always mix the paint


If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.


In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it’s in.


If a dog has puppies in a public place, can they be arrested for littering?