@kwirkyKerri

Nice cargo shorts. You may want to dial back that awesome a little. Not really sure how much I can take.

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@hangin_out

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

@flashember

WIFE: Will he ever wake up?

DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it

W: i sold his pet hamster

ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE

@pleatedjeans

I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.

@lilgapeach30

8 *walks into the house with covered in mud*

Me: MY LORD

8: well that’s a nice way to greet me but no, just your son.

@adamlucidi

Christmas is becoming like that creepy friend that shows up to the party too early. The party starts at 7:00, why are you here at 4:30!?!!

@Hil439

I hope I never go to jail because I haven’t memorized a phone number since 2006.

@linkindrinkin

james bond: shaken not stirred

home depot employee: thats how we always mix the paint

@Midgetspar

If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.

@thezwickers3

In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it’s in.

@omgthatspunny

If a dog has puppies in a public place, can they be arrested for littering?