Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
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How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
This is Sparta
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.