“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
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5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*