Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*

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Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.


Wife: what are you watching?

Me: See II

Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?

Me: not till it’s over


Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.


(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…


My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.


Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.


Jehovah Witnesses are excited because now they Know y’all are gonna be home when they come knocking on the door.


As new head of Westboro Baptist Church, I’m expanding who God hates. To start: delivery guys, vegetarians, and people who do Sudoku.