@thetits

Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*

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@Kendragarden

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.

@LeBearGirdle

Wife: what are you watching?

Me: See II

Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?

Me: not till it’s over

@BEEAAARR

Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.

@zuza_real

(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…

@Big_Cat74

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

@momTruthBomb

Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.

@supermarkusa

Jehovah Witnesses are excited because now they Know y’all are gonna be home when they come knocking on the door.

@michaelianblack

As new head of Westboro Baptist Church, I’m expanding who God hates. To start: delivery guys, vegetarians, and people who do Sudoku.