Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
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never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.