Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
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CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
guys I’m going home
Coffee for people with no kids
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud