Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
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Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I’m confused about plants
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened