I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
You Might Also Like
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Whoa 😂
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck