We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
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I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]