How is it still this week?
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Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.