@mikealfredcaine
@GingerHotDish I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
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@GingerHotDish 
@louisvirtel Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
@splegge Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
@BlindChow “You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
@thatdutchperson [first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
@NicCageMatch Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
@beefman138 Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
@sarcasm_inc *pulls back your shower curtain*
What did you mean by “creepy”
@sixfootcandy Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
@serendipitydon1 “Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.