@mikealfredcaine
@XplodingUnicorn
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
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@XplodingUnicorn
@bromanconsul
tired of mercurys shit. im in retrograde now. its my turn
@TheHyyyype
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
@WilliamAder
Used way too much moisturizer and I may have to call in slick tomorrow.
@The_MartiniGirl
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
@SimoneGiertz
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
@ActuallyEmerson
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
@PatsATweetin
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
@Tylerosis
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.