@mikealfredcaine

nice haircut what did you do ask him for a nice haircut & he said “no”

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@GingerHotDish

I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.

@louisvirtel

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

@splegge

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

@BlindChow

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

@thatdutchperson

[first date]

Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?

Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally

@NicCageMatch

Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

@beefman138

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

@sarcasm_inc

*pulls back your shower curtain*
What did you mean by “creepy”

@sixfootcandy

Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.

@serendipitydon1

“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”

~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.