@torrami: *walks into hospital carrying baby* "What's your return policy on this thing?"

@AndrewNadeau0: {Horses on a road trip passing my house} HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

@djdarrellripley: Her: We're having twins! Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!

@Pork_Chop_Hair: If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.

@Reverend_Scott: [first date at restaurant] ME: so, do you like dogs? HER: I'm more of a- ME: CHECK PLEASE