@mikealfredcaine

nice haircut what did you do ask him for a nice haircut & he said “no”

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@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Do the dishes

Me: Can’t. Holding the baby

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Can’t. Baby

Wife: Change the baby

Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.

@TheHyyyype

god: make a guy who brings children presents

angel: aww that’s nice

god: have him slide through chimneys at night

angel: wait what

god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses

angel: dude

@WilliamAder

Used way too much moisturizer and I may have to call in slick tomorrow.

@SimoneGiertz

but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend

@ActuallyEmerson

Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.

@PatsATweetin

Agent: I have a script for you.

Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?

Agent: Yes.

Radcliffe: I’ll do it.

@Tylerosis

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.