Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
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I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Ironic
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Saturday
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”