Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.
You Might Also Like
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
This is my emotional support knife.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I