Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
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Day 2 of my diet
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
it’s a van. how do they not know this