If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
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I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.