Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
You Might Also Like
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”