How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
– Spider tinder
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Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Oh, some guy screwed you over? Would you like to explain how the whole male population is responsible for this?
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?