@mofrorock

“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*

– Spider tinder

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@andylassner

At least once a day I say “nice to meet you” to someone I’ve already met which is a great feeling for all involved.

@superdadatron

Ok everybody. Please look in your bedroom closet. I got my stalking notes mixed up and don’t know where I am.

@UnFitz

Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably

@heatherlou_

Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.

@LlamaInaTux

Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet

Cinderella: I have size 5 feet

Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night

Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin

@stayathomies

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

@sparticus_af

who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life

@spotswoj

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

@krisv_723

Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*