@mofrorock

“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*

– Spider tinder

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@_NinJar

Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*

@ddsmidt

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

@WilliamAder

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

@mister_blank

judge: your word is meaningless.

me: meaningless. m-e-a-

lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.

@CourtRundell

My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.

@junejuly12

*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*

*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*

@TheCatWhisprer

High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.

@jasonroeder

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

@Gupton68

Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.

*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though