At least once a day I say “nice to meet you” to someone I’ve already met which is a great feeling for all involved.
– Spider tinder
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Ok everybody. Please look in your bedroom closet. I got my stalking notes mixed up and don’t know where I am.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
– snails, probably
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Uses pic of car as profile pic. Gets hunted down by Decepticons.