@mofrorock

“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*

– Spider tinder

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@comer310

How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea

Me: *rocks boat*

Her: Hey!

Me: *rocks faster*

Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?

Me: I do.

@sir_shithead_I

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.

@HepatitisAtoZ

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

@dave_cactus

WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.

@cydbeer

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

@MTV2GuyCodes

Oh, some guy screwed you over? Would you like to explain how the whole male population is responsible for this?

@noo_nee_noo

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

@Rica_Bee

Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”

@markydoodoo

A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time

@VeryLonelyLuke

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?