I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
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Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
sigh
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol