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I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Mornin. * use accordingly
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
termite twitter scares me
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud